No words today

IMG_1016One Christian to another, one writer to another, one human being to another who’s come face to face with the reality of the brokenness in people, may I sit down with you this morning and just reflect?

For a girl who grew up in a loving, Christ-centered home where we loved each other, treated each other with kindness and respect, got along, gave with hearts that knew it was just the right thing to do, and lived honest lives, the last seven years of my life have been a journey through the twisted maze of discovering first that the person I trusted with my life was not, or had somehow fallen from, who he appeared to be, and had morphed through un-dealt-with pain into a man without empathy and no relational conscience, completely consumed with self, then to go on meeting so many others with gaping wounds in their souls covered by a veneer of “I’m okay,”(which is at best a partial truth for every one of us) and now face to face with the horror that one person self-medicating wounds and fears and needs deep within can destroy the life and hope and future of another and those who love him, literally.

The world is so much more fallen than I ever realized, Dorothy carried up into a reality so twisted and unlike the world I grew up in and thought would continue to be real. I see how shallow the appearance of ”normal” is, selfishness so pervasive and destructive in our culture. I’m not in “Kansas” anymore, and this “Oz” isn’t beautifully filled with dancing Munchkins and the Emerald City. Yet I hope to find that brief, human joy of dancing down the yellow brick road with a scarecrow or tin man or cowardly lion, empty headed or empty hearted or fearful. We can matter to another person; our life can and was meant to mean something priceless.

Because this horror I’ve been plunged into is going to be a criminal case, I may end up with a financial settlement, but  I’ve never been about money, possessions, house, or a life where I could sit back and smell the roses and never invest my life in anything or anyone but myself and my pleasure. All I am wired and delighted to be about is people, relationships, loving, giving and caring, encouraging, building others up and becoming more of myself when I do. When the divorce I didn’t want was final, my sister said, ”Oh, now you can go where you want to go, do whatever you want do, decorate your house any way you like, eat what you want ….,” and my immediate inner thought was, “Why in heck would I want to do that? What is appealing in being all about myself?”

Barring a miracle, here I am alone again for a different, even crueler reason, thinking the same thing, and crying out to God to show me even the next six inches of light in this overwhelming darkness.

This may be a blog post I’m composing here, but my posts have always been conversations with others, whoever is out there reading and searching and praying. No man was meant to be an island,no person was meant or created to stand alone. All the psychobabble about being whole within yourself, self-actualizing, is as big a pile of recycled hay as the “you complete me” sigh in romantic movies. None of us is truly whole; that’s why we need Jesus.And none of us can complete another human being; only God can as we cling ferociously to his true unconditional love. But here we are, floating in the cold Atlantic after the sinking of the Titanic, and yes, we are meant to find each other, hold hands and recognize the humanity in each other, and if we are so blessed, to swim, or bob beside one someone else steadfastly in commitment that says no matter what, no matter how you fail me or what your quirks are or when I see your brokenness, and you will see the same in me, but because God does love us, we can be broken together and find beauty and some pure joy even in that truth in these cold waters. Like the old song from the 60’s goes, ”No man is an island. No man stands alone. Each man’s joy is joy to me, each man’s grief is my own.” That is who I am, all I am.

 

If you have someone to love, if someone loves you, you are wealthy, rich, blessed beyond words.

I’d found that freedom very briefly and beautifully in and with one other survivor of the sinking, laughing, praying, entering into each other’s world and beginning to carve out an Us, starting from a spirit to spirit connection and then having to figure out what most people, most couples do first, and it was precious. Now I’m back to ground zero, in my life jacket bobbing in the waves, fighting of hypothermia of the heart, and who knows if I will ever find any man brave enough to hold hands and swim with me toward the lifeboats again?

This did become a post, but it started as an email from me, a friend to trusted friend, one human being looking another – and a good one – in the eye in complete transparency, daring to be real and trusting him – and all of you now who read this – to look inside at the swirling emotions within me and not run for Pike’s Peak.

No Bible verses to boldly share in this post. All I know is, God is Love and God is  good, and he promised through Isaiah that he would bring me beauty for ashes,  a garment of praise for a  spirit of heaviness,  their of gladness for mourning.I do mourn, deeply, more painfully than I knew I could survive, because heard I found something priceless together, ever so briefly. Ken, yes, I loved you,and I was amazed that you loved the me inside  the wrapper. Here I am, and as you always said, “Adapt, improvise, overcome.”

 

Truly, truly I pray goodness into your day, and some true freedom to be all of who you are, and my only “…BUT….” to pray today is: My life is a total tragedy today, my world ripped apart, no sense to this loss, no meaning to this death, BUT God …. help me show the world the deeper meaning of Ken’s life, and what your love meant to him. Holy Spirit, help me to hear you. The  whole world needs to hear you today. Help us know how much we need you, give us the willingness and courage to be real in our need, fill us with all YOU are,  and give us the grace to reach out a hand to another needy person today. Father God, You might just be handing me a priceless treasure to cherish in the heart behind those eyes.

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2 thoughts on “No words today

  1. Dear Lord Jesus… You did not exaggerate when You said that in this world we will have tribulations. Dear God, when the unthinkable happens, nothing else matters but You. You are life and You are love. Apart from You we have no hope. Apart from You we have nothing, we are nothing.

    I ask for Your comfort and Your peace for this grieving woman, Father God. In Christ Jesus’ name I pray.

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  2. Dear RoseInspiration- praying for your comfort this day. You have been through so much, lean into Jesus, take it slow , be kind to yourself- don’t expect too much of yourself,
    I’ve found help over at a blog site called What’s your grief, you may want to check it out.
    your sister in Christ, in Australia xx

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